Dear Ryan,
After reading some of the questions and responses regarding relationships I decided maybe you
can help me. My question is regarding a wonderful man I met a year ago. He made me feel like no other man has made me feel
in years. I knew that we would most likely be friends because he was lacking some of the qualities that interest me. We were
intimate a few times, but it was more on a "friends with benefits" level. My question is this . . . once you sleep with a
man, can you ever be just "friends" with him? My second question relating to this is that I have told him numerous times I
just want to be friends. Is this too much to ask? After getting to know him better, I decided that I would rather have him
in my life as a friend, rather than not in my life at all.
~ Friends For Life
Dear FFL,
Thank you for reading my column and writing in for advice. Intimacy is a powerful bond between
two people, and I fear you may have taken it too lightly. I have labeled this the "Options Open Complex," which means, you
are leaving your options open and hoping for something better. That is a selfish desire that is rooted in insecurities based
on survival. You stated that this man made you feel like no other, however, you choose to lose that due to his status or interest
levels. One of my biggest fears for all of us is the breakdown of the family unit, and I am not talking about moral fiber.
I am talking about the value of a human being and how they as an emotional and spiritual being can affect your life. So you
slept with this man knowing he was not to your standards, and yet you believe that he is good enough to be your friend. If
I were this man, I would put an end to the friend zone and invest my efforts into someone who is worthy of my time. You asking
to be only friends on this premise are dragging him along, and allowing him to entertain the possibility of winning you over.
You are being selfish and self-centered by wanting your cake and to eat it. Perhaps in the future you will try getting to
know someone before letting go with your carnal appetite.
Dear Advice Guy,
Hello! This is kinda weird because I’ve never done anything like this, but what the heck
. . . I’ve got nothing to lose. So, I met this guy two weeks ago (long story), but he eventually ended up asking me
for my number. Then he never called. I’m such a "down-to-earth country girl" . . . I just don’t understand why
someone would do that. For some stupid reason it hurt my feelings (not that it really matters) . . . I’m just wondering
why he did that. What do you think?
~ Country Girl
Dear Country Girl,
I am not sure where you are located, but if you were in my neighborhood, I would say, "Welcome
to LA!" That is the "all too familiar" protocol for the locals in tinsel town, and I am sure it is a growing dilemma. I guess
I could sugar coat a reason by offering up... perhaps his cell phone was stolen, maybe he fell- breaking both hands (leaving
him helpless to dial), or maybe aliens abducted him. Okay, let’s add up the facts. You only knew him two weeks, so your
knowledge about him is sparse and he obtained your number without calling you back. I would probably assume he has a girlfriend
and you are a notch on his extremely low self-esteem. After all, this doesn’t make you feel better that you are probably
too good for him anyway. I would not worry another minute about it.
So to anyone reading this that has asked for someone’s number, treat them like you would
want to be treated. I am not a preacher dishing out golden rules to you all, but I do know that even in driving- "take a space,
make a space, and the world will be a better place."
Dear Ryan,
Is monogamy in a relationship a reality or is it expecting too much?
Men and women both may have needs that aren’t fulfilled in their marriage, so is it expected
that everyone strays?
~ Stray Cat
Dear Stray Cat Strut,
I am going to assume by the way you worded this question that it’s you who is unfulfilled
in either a marriage or a relationship. Straying is a nice way of putting "cheating". And that is unacceptable. Monogomy is
when two people enter a committed relationship involving many levels of life besides sex.
Expectations are things that we strive for, and hope to obtain. However, we may fall short of
those and lose sight of the original goal. For example, you could start out wanting to be a doctor and end up being a nurse.
That doesn’t make you a bad person, but you still keep on living trying to maintain direction. A relationship is something
outside of expectation. You should go into it understanding of the many variables that effect even just one of the people
involved, but compound with the combined union of a couple. This is a very intricate and intimate balance of compromise and
adjustments.
If you find yourself feeling unfulfilled in this situation, you should communicate this to your
partner so you are both on the same page. That is the only way you can fix it... or end the relationship in a civil manor
with the least amount of hurt possible.
So you asked if everyone strays... and my answer is that I can only speak for myself. I will
not stray, nor will I enter this commitment lightly. I have come to a realization that no matter what you have in this world,
it means nothing without love. I know Tom Lycos, (the radio personality) is preaching self-preservation, but if you can find
love in your life experience, love it to the fullest possibility.
Ryan,
I’ve been talking/dating this guy for the past couple of weeks. Everything was great up
until a few days ago. We used to talk daily, send messages to one another throughout our busy days, and always spoke on the
phone for at least an hour before going to bed. It really seemed like we connected, and he was the one who more often than
me, expressed his feelings about us. For no apparent reason, everything suddenly changed. He didn’t really call me and
didn’t even return a couple of my calls, so I stopped calling him. When we finally talked he apologized and attributed
his behavior to stress at work. I know that his workload hasn’t changed that much. What could possibly be his reason
for pulling away so abruptly after being so close?
~ Sudden Stop
Dear Suddenly Stopped,
This is a very common occurrence with all of us who date and you shouldn’t dwell on it
too much. Obviously, his excuse for not calling you or returning your calls is an easy way out, and it really means he is
no longer interested. This could be due to a few reasons on either side of the situation. Perhaps he has commitment issues
and this is how he gets his emotional fix. It may have been something you did or said that turned him off in some way. There
is no real hard nose answer that can be based on facts and you must look at it as water under the bridge. Dating is like going
to Vegas . . . sometimes you end up a winner and sometimes you come home with nothing. So chin up and start thinking about
what you want in a guy. Then, be open to possibilities and perhaps the next guy will be a winner. •
What is your question? Email your question to South Texas Women’s World "The Soapbox" at
Editor@stww.net. Your name will remain anonymous. Ryan Keyes-Mathews is a Women’s Advice Columnist, Writer and Actor residing
in Studio City, CA.
